For those of you who know me well know that a few years ago I decided to embrace the pagan religion. One main reason was their relationship to nature and the world around them. I love pagan gatherings were I get to watch the children play. They are outside, in the dirt and mud and loving it. They are taught to explore it while also respecting it. They are taught the importance of the seasons and the cycles of the earth itself. It is this upbringing that I wish to raise my kids in someday.

I also encourage all the adults that read this to re-explore their relationship with nature. Just as a child I wish you to explore, go for a walk in the deep woods or take the kids out in the rain and get muddy with them. Teach them the bird calls they here, or the flowers they see. With the current recession there is plenty to do free of charge at your local state parks.

I am going to end this blog with some of my favorite quotes I found on the internet, as well as some links that I hope you will all check out. thanks for reading!!!

This is the main article that I found in the magazine:

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2011657278_preschool21m.html

Nature center preschool right here in MN:

http://www.dodgenaturecenter.org/Preschool/

http://www.whitehutchinson.com/children/articles/childrennature.shtml

Richards site:

http://richardlouv.com/

My favorite park site, many activities for kids!:

http://www.threeriversparks.org/

“Passion does not arrive on videotape or on a CD; passion is personal. Passion is lifted from the earth itself by the muddy hands of the young, it travels along grass-stained sleeves to the heart. If we are going to save environmentalism and the environment, we must also save an endangered indicator species: the child in nature. -Richard Louv

“The woods were my Ritalin. Nature calmed me, focused me, and yet excited my senses.”–Richard Louv

It’s a good thing to learn more about nature in order to share this knowledge with children; it’s even better if the adult and child learn about nature together. And it’s a lot more fun.”
— Richard Louv

“Progress does not have to be patented to be worthwhile. Progress can also be measured by our interactions with nature and its preservation. Can we teach children to look at a flower and see all the things it represents: beauty, the health of an ecosystem, and the potential for healing? ” –Richard Louv

Louv continues: “As children’s connection to nature diminishes and the implications become apparent, new research shows that nature can be powerful therapy for such maladies as depression, obesity and attention deficit disorder.” –Richard Louv

“Every child should have mud pies, grasshoppers, water bugs, tadpoles, frogs, mud turtles, elderberries, wild strawberries, acorns, chestnuts, trees to climb. Brooks to wade, water lilies, woodchucks, bats, bees, butterflies, various animals to pet, hayfields, pine-cones, rocks to roll, sand, snakes, huckleberries and hornets. And any child who has been deprived of these has been deprived of the best part of education.” —     Luther Burbank (American horticulturalist and botanist, 1849 – 1926)

“… a ditch somewhere – or a creek, meadow, woodlot, or marsh…. These are places of initiation, where the borders between ourselves and other creatures break down, where the earth gets under our nails and a sense of place gets under our skin.… Everybody has a ditch, or ought to. For only the ditches and the field, the woods, the ravines – can teach us to care enough for all the land.”—     Robert Michael Pyle, The Thunder Tree, 1993

“For ourselves, and for our planet, we must be both strong and strongly connected — with each other, with the earth. As children, we need time to wander, to be outside, to nibble on icicles, watch ants, to build with dirt and sticks in the hollow of the earth, to lie back and contemplate clouds….”  Gary Paul Nabhan & Stephen Trimble, The Geography of Childhood, 2004

The lives of children today are much different. Children today have few opportunities for outdoor free play and regular contact with the natural world. Their physical boundaries have shrunk due to a number of factors (Francis 1991, Kyttä 2004). A ‘culture of fear’ has parents afraid for their children’s safety. A 2004 study found that 82% of mothers with children between the ages of 3 and 12 identified crime and safety concerns as one of the primary reasons they don’t allow their children to play outdoors (Clements 2004). Due to ‘stranger danger,’ many children are no longer free to roam their neighborhoods or even their own yards unless accompanied by adults (Pyle 2002, Herrington & Studtmann 1998, Moore & Wong 1997). Fears of ultraviolet rays, insect-born diseases and various forms of pollution are also leading adults to keep children indoors (Wilson 2000). Furthermore, children’s lives have become structured and scheduled by adults, who hold the mistaken belief that this sport or that lesson will make their young children more successful as adults (Moore & Wong 1997, White & Stoecklin 1998). Brooks (2004) says that a childhood of unsupervised loitering, wandering and exploring has been replaced by a childhood of adult supervised and scheduled improvements.

Thus the new and improved WitchyNikki Blog!

What is it that I am passionate about and want to educate the world on? The answer is simple, nature. So thus the idea for my new and improved blog is to document my nature walks, give you some awesome pics to look at, give you some websites to check out, recommend some books to read, maybe even share some folklore!!! I will try to write one at least once a week, so be sure to check in often!

So to kick off this new theme I will chat a little about why nature is so important to me. As a child I used to go to the park with my mom to bird watch. My parents used to take us on nature walks around town. We also went to the zoo every year. I think it is so important to let kids outside to explore nature, but I think it is equally important for adults to do this as well. As we grow up we are told to not play in the mud, not to dance in the rain, not to sit on a rock and just take in the beautiful world around us. Well I am here to tell you to reconnect with Mother Earth! Listen to her animal children, roll in the grass, or sit and simply watch the sunset.
One thing I notice on my nature walks are those who run by me listening to their ipods. I must look so silly to these people; I am walking but at the same time I am scanning the trees for the birds I just heard, or stopping to take a look at the deer tracks in the mud. I am walking to be fit, but at the same time I am observing the world around me! How can you hear the rustle of fallen leaves and find the snake underneath them if you have music in your ears! I challenge all of you next time you are out for walk to find one interesting thing in nature. Maybe it’s an oddly formed tree, or a birds nest. Just take a minute to appreciate nature and re-build your relationship with her!
I won’t go into to much on the first try here, don’t want to blow my load too early. So I will leave you with some pictures of my walk today, until next time!

Great Blue Heron

Duck

Birds Nest

I thought this was man made, but it's just how the tree collapsed

deer print

giant mushroom

1. http://www.etsy.com/shop/DoosOddistuffies :the best place online to buy fairie wings and other fun things! This is my friend Dori’s page, she also does local art shows around town, so come out and see her if you can. She is an amazing artist!

2. http://www.etsy.com/shop/damselinthisdress : the best place to buy custom made corsets! I don’t own any, but I have worn them and they are beautiful and comfortable. My friend Crystal swears by them.

3. http://www.etsy.com/shop/citizenobjects : the best place for metal jewelery. This is my co-workers sister, and she reuses metal and makes it into beautiful art and jewelery, check it out!

Here are some sites I stole from Dori’s favorites that I think you might like too, but have no relationship with:

4. http://www.etsy.com/shop/freckletree :who doesn’t love owls! And owls on baby hats!!

5.http://www.etsy.com/shop/lacocorouge :awesome headpieces and hats!

6.http://www.etsy.com/shop/katwise : beautiful elf coats made form recycled fabric!

7.http://www.etsy.com/shop/post: Tattoo nylons, if I had nice legs i would buy tons of these!

8.http://www.etsy.com/shop/labellefairy : more corsets, a little more pricey but beautiful

9.http://www.etsy.com/shop/UpfromtheAshes : masks, wings and more pretty things!

10.http://www.etsy.com/shop/faitavec :spats! Once again I wish i had better legs…

11.http://www.etsy.com/shop/kennosborne: masks

So that’s what I got for your weekend, if anyone has a site they want to add just leave it as a comment!!

So if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck…it’s a duck. That took a medical degree to figure out?!?!

I call bullshit.

I’m going to say that coughing up flem all night means that you are awesome and going to live forever.
I’m going to say a slight fever and loss of appetite means that you are a great lover and a fabulous friend.

So there, if we just agree to this, even tho there is NO way to test for this, it will be so! Take that doctors.

Oh, and bronchitis can not be treated, i just have to wait it for it to go away. I want my 45 bucks and two hours of my life back Park Nicollet.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO here is the FUN part! Now we all get to determine what symptoms mean! Don’t worry about proving it, the medical field can do it so can we!!!
Are you all ready to play!? GO!

On a side note, if it snows one more time i’m going to go postal. And i have the Parade of Homes in three weeks, and there better be no fucking snow. I am very ready to put this winter behind me.

THE END!

1. Remember those who are here. I have been so focused and sad about those I lost I have secluded myself from the world around me. It is time for a change. I have so many wonderful people in my life who are still here and still care about me, and i need to stop ignoring them. So i promise to all my friends that this year i will be more willing to spend time with you, but i ask in return that you don’t give up on me either. I know i can be a downer to be around lately, but i promise to try harder this year.

2. See more theatre. I haven’t been to a play in a long time, simply because it was too hard to go to things without Tim. But theatre has been my love for so long, and i need to get back involved in it and re-discover that love.

3. Decide to believe. I have read tons of books on religion in my life, and tons more about death this past year. I have had times when i did not know what I believed, or if i believed anything at all. But the truth is i have always believed, and i need to start remembering that feeling and find it again. I need to spend more time with my spirituality and my religious community. The whole pagan community has been welcoming and warm with me, and I hope they continue to help me.

4. Acceptance. I don’t need to like what last year was, but i need to start accepting what happened, and this will help we to move forward. I need to remember the good times, forgive the bad times, and take what lessons i’ve learned and move on to help others. I hope to be able to talk about those i’ve lost with a smile and fond memory rather than tears and sadness.

5. To forgive. I have been so mad at the universe for the direction it has taken and the pain it has put me through last year. What I need to do is understand that things happened, and I need to forgive the universe for them and understand that the universe does have good things in store for me as well.

6. Open myself. I have closed myself off from new people and new places for the simple fact that i don’t have the energy to be fun loving and fancy free anymore. But that part of me is not gone, and i need to open myself to the world and to people once again.

7. To remember that i still have a path and job to do. As much as i hate to admit it I have been so upset with life that i have said many times this past year that i give up. I was ready to think that i had done what i came here to do, and now i was throwing in the towel. But the truth is i am not done with my life. I have a path and a purpose, and i need to get back on my feet and keep fighting the good fight.

So here i come 2011, I have taken in all the lessons from last and have come out with scars but i did come out alive. I will hope for the best, and hopefully you will give me something to renew my faith.

Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won’t rot, I won’t rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won’t rot.

And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.

And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That’s why I hold,
That’s why I hold with all I have.
That’s why I hold.

I will die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I’ll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and mine so small.
Well I’m scared of what’s behind and what’s before.

And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

Ode to a Pickle Boy

Pickle boy pickle boy, sweet madrigal pickle boy
I crave what your pickle can do.

Eyes only for thee, I care not to see
another young peasant but you.

The slovenly bard’s a fat tub of lard;
the blacksmith’s eyes pale to your blue.

The duke is too guarded, the shepherd’s retarded,
and can’t tell his ram from his ewe.

I long to make mine your sweet pickle boy brine
before this year’s RenFest is through!

Thank the Gods for Pickle Boys, making us girls feel beautiful all for the sake of a one dollar pickle.

Imagine one day you woke up and the sky was dark purple. At first the shock of this would be great, you wouldn’t know how to go on with your day because it would be all you could think about. Your whole life the sky has been blue, it’s like your mind doesn’t understand what is going on, like it’s a dream. Something you took for granted would be there everyday is gone. As the days go on you wake up every morning and expect to go out to a blue sky, but again the sky is dark purple. You then look at pictures of blue sky, or try to remember all the times you looked up at it…like if you can just picture it and concentrate on it enough your own mind can change the color back. Now you don’t see the sky all of your day, so when you aren’t outside you just go about your business, but the minute you step back outside it’s there to slap you in the face again. But it’s not even just the sky that is different. Because the sky is now purple instead of blue it’s color makes all the colors of the world change. Everything on earth is now just a sliver different, just a little off than what it used to look like. It’s like you’ve moved to a different planet almost, going back to life the way it was before seems impossible. As the days go on you get more and more use to the purple sky, but getting used to it doesn’t mean getting better; you still miss the blue sky. Not only does the world look different, but you are different. You stop to trust that anything you thought before was right or real. But you get up everyday and you try and tell yourself you’ll get used to the new color…it just takes time.

When Tim and I met 10 years ago we went on one date. I remember cuddling with him on his mom’s couch. Now I remember him telling me that he didn’t really like me in that way…but Tim said that I was the one who told him I didn’t like him in that way. I guess it doesn’t matter, in the end it all worked out for the best.

Tim told his family friend Debbie that he and I were so alike it was scary. So true. We both had depression issues, and issues with our self esteem, we just approached life in two very different ways. The truth is we took care of each other; we looked out for each other. Anything that boy asked I did for him; it broke my heart to see him upset or sad. When I met Tim he was shy in front of strangers and often was not interested in playing nice. He didn’t do anything he didn’t want to do, and this in a way was what drew me to him. I envied that Tim knew who he was and what he wanted, and he didn’t let things stand in his way. I think Tim was drawn to me because of how outgoing I was, wild even, and how I could easily bond with people and make friends. I remember when I first moved to Winona he told me all the theatre people were snotty and that I wouldn’t like them. But I did, I hit it off with them right away, and Tim was so jealous that I could fit in so easily. That year we lived together in Winona I really pushed him out of his shell. He found out that people liked him too when he gave them the chance to get to know him.

Tim more than anyone was someone I could just sit with and not have to worry about entertaining. Both Tim and I feel the need to entertain people we are around, and it was a nice break to not have to do that in front of each other. We just felt comfortable with each other, a silent bond.

Over the years Tim and I struggled with our feelings for each other. The summer before I started Winona I went to visit him and he was acting super weird and said we couldn’t live with other next year…the reason being he had a crush on me. I told him he couldn’t have a crush on me because I needed a roommate. We eventually got threw that and did move in together. Over the years there would be times when I would ask Tim if he would just be my boyfriend, but he never agreed to it. The worst for me was when he did Romeo and Juliet; he played Mercutio and had pink hair. At that time I wanted nothing more than to say that he was my man…but that isn’t how we were meant to be. Maybe we didn’t think we deserved the other, maybe we didn’t think we were lovable at all. I think deep down we knew that if we dated we ran the chance of breaking up and not being friends anymore, and we knew that wasn’t worth the risk. We were already promised to each other for forever…connected to each other threw some silent agreement. I almost feel as if we did what we had to do so that I could be there in his last hours…

The Sat before Tim left us I asked him if we could get married, and he said “sure”. I then told hospice to refer to me as his fiancé. The next day I asked him again if we could get married and he said “Sure. No one else has asked me.” At this point I turned to Aunt Brenda and asked her to marry us…and she said “Nikki, it’s already been done. You two have been tied together since the day you met.” After that I called him my husband, and talked about how it was my wedding day and I do what I want. That night I asked him if I could lie down next to him, and he seemed to like the idea. I but my arm around him and he rubbed my elbow. Those brief minutes lying next to him were how I spent my wedding night.

Tim and I were never really about sharing feelings or saying I love you. I said it to him a lot the last months he was here. He would say “I love you too” at first, but as the days went on he said it less and less. One day I was sitting on his bed facing him and I said I love you and he said “I love you too” and then he smiled a little and said “You’ve been waiting for me to say that”. And I had, for 10 years.

That last week with Tim was never about me, it was about him. It was about keeping strong for him, and showing him that no matter what I wasn’t going to leave him. I realize how strong I must look to people, but I feel like when you find someone so special and that you love so much, being strong for them just happens…you gladly do it.

Tim was my best friend, my husband of three days, the love of my life, and my other half. I feel like someone has cut off one of my limbs. I don’t know who I am without him. But what I do know is that he loved me, and he had for ten years. I know that he chose me to spend his life with. And that makes me the luckiest girl in the whole world.

Since Tim’s death I’ve done a lot of thinking about life and death. What is the meaning of life? Where do you go when you die? Do you go anywhere when you die?
Tim read the book The God Delusion in which the author talks about how man made up the concept of God, and how religion is bad. Tim once asked me what I would do if I knew there was nothing after this life. I told him I would just lay down and die, cause what is the point?! He thought I was crazy. He believed that even if there wasn’t anything after this, you should still live it up, experience everything you can…it’s about today. As much as people try and tell me this, that even if there is nothing after this I should just be thankful for today, do all that I can. But I just can’t subscribe to this logic. What is the point, so I learn to love and I have moments of happiness and pure joy…they all go away when I die. There is no point.
I’ve asked everyone what they think happens to you when you die…and everyone just simply states that they don’t know. Not one person has said they know. And the truth is no one does know. They say it doesn’t matter what they believe, we are going to die, no stopping that.

A death close to you makes you think about your own mortality, and that is not something happy to think about. I remember talking to Tim about how I was scared of death, it was the biggest fear to me. After he died I didn’t fear death at all, cause I knew that when I died I would be with him. Now I’m a little of both.

I don’t need to know where we go for my sake, I just want to know where he is. See, when Tim was dying, that last night, I promised him it would be ok. I told him I had never broken a promise to him in my life, and I PROMISED him it would be ok. I can’t live knowing that I lied to him.

I believe in ghosts. I have had things happen to me that I can’t explain. I have felt the energy of something magical in the air. Yet, at this moment, none of that is enough to convince me there is something after life on this planet. What I did believe was not in heaven in hell, but more like another dimension of sorts. That our souls shift to another plane of existence, one we can’t see. But that doesn’t seem to make sense anymore, there are too many things that point to that being bullshit. I don’t know. I recently have decided to read as much as I can on the subject. From New Age to scientific I am reading it all. I don’t know why, I think if i read enough I might be able to figure it out for myself, it won’t be the right answer, but it least it will give me something to believe in.

After Tim’s death I dreamed about him every night. At first I would dream that he died, and it scared me. Then I would have dreams that he didn’t die, he got better. Those ones were very hard to wake up from. Then I had dreams where he died, but for some reason he was alive again. In those dreams I would just hold him, I knew he would leave me again soon, so in the time I had I just wanted to be close to him. This past Monday was the first day I didn’t dream about Tim, and I haven’t since. Sometimes when I don’t remember what I dream I just remember he was in it because i could feel he was there…

The thought of Tim not existing at all, in any form, is too much for me to handle. So right now I have to believe that in some way he is still around. I talk to Tim every day. I tell him I love him and I miss him. I’m not ever going to know exactly where he is, but I really really hope that I will see him again someday.

Maybe I will see him tonight in a dream…