New Year, New Life

My new years resolutions this year are going to be different than past years, and here i am sharing them with you all.
Last year sucked. I go as far to say it was the worst year i have ever had. The year ended with me losing my uncle, both my grandparents, and my Timmy. It was nothing but tears and questions; anger and resentment. It was as if everything i believed was wrong, and my happy-go-lucky attitude was gone. It has taken me months of struggle to find any reason to have hope, to believe that things will go back to the way they were. But the point is they won’t, but things do move forward, and so must I.
So this new year I have set myself with many goals to try and get back to normal. Here is my list so far.

1. Remember those who are here. I have been so focused and sad about those I lost I have secluded myself from the world around me. It is time for a change. I have so many wonderful people in my life who are still here and still care about me, and i need to stop ignoring them. So i promise to all my friends that this year i will be more willing to spend time with you, but i ask in return that you don’t give up on me either. I know i can be a downer to be around lately, but i promise to try harder this year.

2. See more theatre. I haven’t been to a play in a long time, simply because it was too hard to go to things without Tim. But theatre has been my love for so long, and i need to get back involved in it and re-discover that love.

3. Decide to believe. I have read tons of books on religion in my life, and tons more about death this past year. I have had times when i did not know what I believed, or if i believed anything at all. But the truth is i have always believed, and i need to start remembering that feeling and find it again. I need to spend more time with my spirituality and my religious community. The whole pagan community has been welcoming and warm with me, and I hope they continue to help me.

4. Acceptance. I don’t need to like what last year was, but i need to start accepting what happened, and this will help we to move forward. I need to remember the good times, forgive the bad times, and take what lessons i’ve learned and move on to help others. I hope to be able to talk about those i’ve lost with a smile and fond memory rather than tears and sadness.

5. To forgive. I have been so mad at the universe for the direction it has taken and the pain it has put me through last year. What I need to do is understand that things happened, and I need to forgive the universe for them and understand that the universe does have good things in store for me as well.

6. Open myself. I have closed myself off from new people and new places for the simple fact that i don’t have the energy to be fun loving and fancy free anymore. But that part of me is not gone, and i need to open myself to the world and to people once again.

7. To remember that i still have a path and job to do. As much as i hate to admit it I have been so upset with life that i have said many times this past year that i give up. I was ready to think that i had done what i came here to do, and now i was throwing in the towel. But the truth is i am not done with my life. I have a path and a purpose, and i need to get back on my feet and keep fighting the good fight.

So here i come 2011, I have taken in all the lessons from last and have come out with scars but i did come out alive. I will hope for the best, and hopefully you will give me something to renew my faith.

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